Kampala City in the eyes of a wiseman

While you are in Kampala City:

1. Don’t go to downtown if you don’t have to.

2. If you move into a new house, use two padlocks no matter how of good quality they are.

3. If you are walking downtown and you hear someone shouting “size size” don’t turn just move to the side or else a sack of charcoal or maize brand may knock you down from nowhere.

4. When boarding a taxi, check the condition of your window. That’s where your phone/bag might exit from.

5. No one should pray for you on the streets regardless of your situation in life. Be awake when around Mulago Hospital or Wandegeya!

6. Chapati will always be 500 regardless of wheat prices.

7. On Nabugabo and Namirembe roads, don’t even stop to swallow your saliva, walk mercilessly! If you have hips, use them to pave way for yourself! Elbows are good weapons too in case of anything. If you’re passing by and someone hits you as you walk along the streets, hit them back because no one apologizes for such mistakes in this city!

8. If you feel lost just look for Mapeera House, you will pick your bearing from there. But note that Mapeera House can’t be seen from Owino market as it has no exit. You’ve to walk at least 17kms once you enter that market before you find the exit!

9. In case someone drops anything in front of you, don’t pick it. Walk away like you’re blind. If someone calls you sister, blood, professor, doctor, Mzee, etc just keep walking even if you’re a doctor!

10. Instead of going to downtown washrooms, just get into Café Javas if you’ve a clean mask, sanitize at the entrance, and use their washrooms. Confidence is key here!

11. During the rainy season, don’t wait in corridors when it’s raining, get in supermarkets and electronic shops on Kampala road and watch news from 85″ Samsung Screens. Do some window shopping even if you buy nothing. Be confident. Be smart. Kampala City isn’t for the fainthearted!

12. Don’t bargain on everything. The trick is, the quality will keep reducing as the price goes down.

13. Avoid eye contact with hawkers especially in traffic jams. Otherwise you’ve already signed a purchase contract. If you make eye contact, don’t nod your head in disapproval lest you’ll contract nodding syndrome.

14. When tired under the scorching sun in town or waiting for your driver on the #SafariShareApp, don’t go to City Square. Just go to Mapeera House or any bank, pick a bank ticket and sit there the whole day. You will have a great rest.

15. Whatever you buy must be packaged in front of you, I mean in front of you. Don’t even blink or be distracted or else you’ll find yourself with rotten avocado instead of potatoes or shoes you paid for expensively. Also, never ever buy black shoes at night no matter how good it looks.

16. In case you see any job openings with the phrase “WhatsApp or inbox me…” just know its Aim g…

17. When you hear a shot anywhere close to you, don’t run, just duck into the nearest shop… if you run, your people will be told that you were killed by a stray bullet.

18. If you enter a taxi and the window next to you doesn’t close, either it’s faulty, assume you’ve no phone till you reach your destination at home… the moment you remove it, it’s gone.

19. Never walk in a straight line after withdrawing money, walking out of the ATM, forex bureau, bank, etc even when you have no money. Walk like 2 minutes on the pavement then change direction abruptly. The main aim is to be unpredictable like nothing.

20. Don’t talk to those old grannies on the streets. Even thieves grow old.

21. Leave your Christian virtues and fruits of the Holy Spirit at your home doormat. Think like a con and treat everyone like a suspect, otherwise you’ll get fixed in this City.

22. Never ever buy a phone, watch, and electronics from a random person or shop in these streets.

Additionally, never ever buy 2nd hand items, especially phones & electronics regardless of how cheap they are, unless they’re from a trusted friend with an address. Why? You’ll wet your pants the moment detectives track and catch you and tell you “We got the body, but where did you throw the head? You wouldn’t just put it around the body. Why did you kill him, you wouldn’t just take the phone and money and go?

23. Never take your vehicle for any repair, I mean any reason to Kiseka market, you’ll drain all your account buying your own car back.

24. Never bother to report anything to police unless a lost ID

25. Never take any meal, drink or bodaboda/Uber without asking for the price tag before hand. You’ll regret your diplomacy.

26. Never help a stranger using your phone for whatever reason, you’ll be lynched for being a phone thief.

27. Never try to intervene in an an ongoing theft or robbery, walk away as if you stole something lest you get killed by the thugs for popping your nose on what doesn’t concern you. You may also be accidentally killed by Police in pursuit.