While in the village this festive season do this

Dear Kampala friend,

Village rules haven’t changed. Please take note and follow them religiously as you come for Christmas. I am writing to you on behalf of the Rural People of Uganda. (RPU)

1. Stop pointing at our chicken with your car keys
2. Stop your nonsense of drinking soda and leaving it halfway.
3. Stop pulling out your smartphones and recording us for likes and comments mbu you are content creators.
4. We have agreed that you will not be served first at functions. You will line up with rest of us.
5. Let your kids do work and play with village kids. Those things of my kids even in Kampala don’t fetch water stopped long ago.
6. Don’t make people who arrived early in church leave their seats for you. Go early for church. Ladies, your noise-making high heels also annoy in church. You cause unnecessary attention
7. Slay queens, if you don’t have decent clothes, stay in your Kampala. We don’t want to see the deep dark valley between your buttocks. Save us the abomination.
8. You bring small things and you want to carry a two seasons harvest back to Kampala. No.
9. I fear out. Escort me to the latrine. We shall be looking at you from the corners of our eyes. Nga for us we never meet the ghosts you are scared of.
10. When you reach your villages, take pictures and post the same way you do when hanging out in Kampalas cool places. Make our villages proud!

Also, do not speak Lugandanized lingo to the locals; that is, speaking your mother tongue but punctuated with some Luganda words to prove to the locals that you are from Kampala. One man went to his home village, but he claimed he did not know how they call chicken in his mother tongue. He said, “I want papapa.” Can you imagine!